TheGinna’s life in Oz so far. Update #3. And its not too good …

Its been a tough week this week.

Started out well, caught up with some friends on the Saturday for a bit of a drinking session and that was a good laugh. Sunday was busy, bought a bike and all the gear and started cycling to work – more on that later. Starting going to the gym at work and did two workouts not including the session outlining the fitness program. On a bit of a health kick at the moment so managed to stay off the crap food, even managed to cut out diary and fried. Eating cereal, with soy milk, seeds and this stuff called psyllium husks – which basically cleans your system out. And increasing the water intake.

Watch a great film at the cinema – “Death at a Funeral”, which is extremely funny and I highly recommend it. Signed up for a free DVD rental membership, finally got to see “Ocean’s Thirteen” and will get around to watch “Children of Men”, “Good Night and Good Luck” and “Letters from Iwo Jima”.

So while all this good stuff is happening, bad things appeared which all came to a climax on Thursday night (perhaps Friday afternoon).

Sunday night was strange. Heard some voices outside so I peered through the blinds in a Michael “I’m a nosey neighbour” Caine stylee. And there were a couple of Police Officers looking at the boot of this car, nothing interesting really. Ten minutes later I hear this shouting, again peering through the blinds. Same car, this time two guys standing on either side of the car talking. Then the shouting started. Along the lines of:

“IF WE FIND OUT WHO DID THIS WE WILL F**KING KILL YOU”

“WE WILL F**KING KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU”

Shouting directly at the apartment building! So I phoned the cops, which was like one hundred questions. So anyways, cops arrived shortly afterwards and went looking for these guys – who had disappeared whilst I was getting grilled by the operator. So welcome to Melbourne Vik. As you can tell I was slightly anxious going to bed.

Did I sleep? Did I f**k.

I woke up to every creak and noise in the apartment, luckily dickheadone and dickheadtwo didn’t find the culprit – or perhaps they are not men of their words, as I am still living.

Received a phone call on Monday from Immigration telling me my Visa is being delayed due to them not receiving Vikki’s X-Ray results. Not that I have ever been asked for them of course and the ‘tone’ in the caller’s voice said that I should have known that. So I started worrying about Vikki entering the country in that she would be turned back. But a few conversations with Immigration put my mind at ease and she can enter with a visitor’s Visa and we would continue with the application once she gets here.

Great. Nothing to worry about.

Then came Thursday night.

Took a different route home – along the bicycle lanes on Church and Bridge Road. The traffic is busy and its dark, there’s a lot of cars on the road. So I’m going along Bridge and I’m between parked cars and the left lane, and I’m watching everything as I don’t trust anyone on the roads here. It’s a nightmare, but that’s another story. I’m a block away from the apartment, thinking about I’m doing tonight when this white car pulls out in front of me – either he hasn’t seen me or he thinks he can get quick enough. I pull hard on the brakes and I go over my handlebars.

I think my chin hit the road first, then my teeth then my helmet.

Can you imagine what it feels like when your teeth are forced into the road, something has to give right? I cracked two front teeth. So I’m lying there, dazed, trying to comprehend what just happened. Shocked that I can taste blood and bits of my teeth are missing.

WHAT THE F**K!

I look up and the white car just sits there waiting in the junction he’s just turned into. So I start clapping at the guy. Well done mate, f**king well done. He just shrugs and drives off.

YOU F**KING WANKER!

So I pick up my bike and a bit of tooth and hobble home, cursing myself that I went a different route home, cursing that I never gave the drive some abuse, cursing that I’m in a bit of pain, cursing that I have no idea what to do next.

How much is going to cost? I want to go back home now – I mean Scotland, I’ve had enough. I need Vikki…

I finally get home and see the extent of the injuries. I got off likely. Grazes to the hands; battered top lip; the aforementioned cracked teeth; bruised cheek, knee and elbow.It could have been worse I suppose. I could have been under that car. Well that’s I keep telling myself. Bad karma on that guy – he didn’t even get out the car, I hope you get all you deserve bawbag.

To cut a long story short, I went to A&E to get checked out. No broken bones or major injuries. Went to the dentist and got my teeth fixed – good as new and only costing $273. Still sore in places and the grazes will take a few days to heal.

Haven’t been out on the bike since.

Finally its Friday and I read an email from mum and dad telling me they had to put down one of the cats – Purdy, an affectionate and beautiful cat that always purred when you stroked her. Emotions running high indeed.

Not a good week.

Next week will better, Vikki is here on Thursday. Only four days to go.

I’m not really a fan of Britney Spears, but …

Why doesn’t the media just leave her the f**k alone?

She’s obviously having a hard time lately with drink, drugs, that MTV appearance and losing custody of her kids and she’s not helping herself with a hit and run incident. There’s something not right up up top and she should seek some help in the mental health services and get out the public arena. Obviously its the public that it’s to blame for all this. If no-one was interested in Britney, then photographers wouldn’t take the photos, and the tabloids would stop writing. Of course I use the term writing very loosely – I’m no writer, just read these blogs to see that, but they don’t half write some shite nowadays. They can’t wait until the popular people fall from grace before swooping in like vultures. I’m sure these people would write/sell stories about their granny if they knew it make them a fast buck.

Anyways, I digress.

The latest story – there appears to be one a week, is that she ran over the foot of these wanker’s Paparazzi whilst she was driving away from a Beverly Hills medical centre, leaving tyre marks on the guy’s white socks and sandals. The photographer isn’t pressing charges as he’s been quoted as saying “Things happen at certain times and she was just a little impatient … She got a little impatient for whatever reason. I say let bygones be bygones.”

A few things here:

1. Impatient?! You were invading her privacy and got in the way dickhead. You deserved to be run over.
2. He’s a scum bag photographer and deserves to be run over.
3. If people are hoarding around my car taking photos of me which are then sold for $1000’s, while I’m trying go about my day, they deserve to be run over.
4. He’s wearing white socks and sandals, the c**t deserves to be run over.

Nuff said.

Eat some Layer Cake you slaaaaaag!

When I first watched ‘Layer Cake’ on DVD, I thought Daniel Craig (DC) would make make a great James Bond – the casting for a new James Bond was a few months prior to me watching the DVD. Obviously I was right – as always, as DC was fantastic in ‘Casino Royale’.

I decided to watch ‘Layer Cake’ again the other night – luckily the last company I worked for gave me a portable DVD player as a leaving gift, which I brought with me along with a selection of choice DVDs. The other DVDs and various pieces of furniture, along with DVD players etc are currently being shipped as I speak, or is it, as I type? Whatever. All I can say is thank f**k I brought these items otherwise I would be going insane in the new flat – no TV, no books, no internet access, no pornography.

Anyways, I digress.

‘Layer Cake’ is a great flick – intelligent; witty; not too violent and dare I say ’sexy’? It has something for the ladies, in the shape of DC (one of Vikki’s favourites) and Sienna Miller for the boys. Come get some.

DC plays ‘X’ a successful drug dealer who is looking to get out and retire. But when you work for one of London’s Mafia elite, getting out isn’t so easy. X is asked by his employer, Jimmy Price to take on a couple of jobs – find the daughter of Jimmy’s old friend Edward Ryder, who’s got herself involved with the wrong crowd and the other is to handle the purchase and distribution of 2 million pounds of top notch ecstasy tablets from a two-bit drug dealer named ‘The Duke’ – stolen from a Dutch drug lord. Of course things are never that easy and the story twists and turns, pretty cleverly. Lots of secrets, skeletons in the closets revealed and a number of double crossings.

Its a good London gangster flick in the same vein as ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’ and ‘Snatch’, with lots of gangster, ‘dan sauuuf’ talk.

So put some knickers on and rent it you slaaaag.

Hmmm. Correct I was. Yes. Told you I did. Hmmmmm, told you I did…

I gave Star Wars Family Guy another go and its actually quite funny. Found some jokes I never heard the first time round, some of them very clever:

Chris (Luke Skywalker): Well, I guess I’ll go bullseye some womp rats in my T-16.
Quagmire (C-3PO): My God! You shoot small animals for fun? That’s the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak!
Chris (Luke Skywalker): There’s two suns and no women. What the hell am I supposed to do?

So if you get a chance to download it, I mean watch it on TV – do it. It is rather funny (he says with a mouthful of humble pie).

Just had ma tea

Went out for dinner, couldn’t face making myself something. So I took a wander down to Swan Street, desperately hoping that I would be more successful in my eating out than last Friday when I had the misfortune to go to a Vietnamese/Chinese place and order Chicken Noodles. Jeez, not sure what of the chicken that was. It wasn’t white or brown, it actually looked grey.

Anyways, I digress.

Well, tonight was like a prisoner in-mate getting to share a cell with the new bitch, a winner.

Found this place called Noodle Box and Sushi, and I had this fried rice dish with chicken, prawns, egg, bean sprouts, spring onions, chilli simbal (sp?) . This plate was huge and it only cost me $8.90, that’s about GBP3.50!

Stuffed. Will definitely go back there.

TheGinna’s life in Oz so far. Update #2

Ok, so it’s been a while since I last did an update, about a month ago. Not much has happened since then, probably not worth blogging about. I trying to think what I’ve been up to… Here’s a quick update, in a list stylee:

• Went to see Transformers IMAX (Storming! Big ass robots knocking f**k out of each other!) and Superbad (one funny flick!) at the cinema;
• Saw Hard-Fi in concert and bought a t-shirt – I’m a “Suburban Knight”, apparently;
• Got a haircut;
• Bought ‘The Fast Show’ DVDs, but can’t watch them until the shipping comes along – mid Nov *sigh*;
• Had a birthday at the end of September – turned thirty*cough*. Thanks for all the cards and best wishes;

Can’t really think what else I’ve been up to… Oh yeah, finally got an apartment. And Ally (Super Ally), I have use of a pool. 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, balcony – obviously that’s where the bbq will go. Of course, you’ve just read that the shipping will not arrive until mid-Nov. I’ve bought a blow-up doll bed, bought some stuff from Ikea (1 cup, 1 bowl etc), bought a big fridge/freezer and a washing machine, as well as a toaster and kettle. What else do you really need? Ah yes, a wife. Vikki gets here on the 1st Nov.

I can’t ask for anything else. 22 days and counting, sweetheart. I look forward to seeing you again.

Before you all reach for a bucket, stop. So I’ll move in this weekend and I’m really looking forward to it. Although I’ve really enjoyed the company at the current place, its time to move on. And start living my new life in Oz (minus a sofa, a real bed, DVD player …).

G.

Thinking about buying one of these…

How cool does this look?

Made by Dosh. Here’s the sales spiel:

“The Dosh wallet is designed and manufactured in Sydney Australia. The unique blend of flexible and semi-flexible polymers created a wallet that is durable, stylish, and packed with clever features for modern lifestyles. The patented design consists of purpose designed areas for storage of credit cards, notes, coins, as well as a unique integrated compartment for items including sim cards, keys, condoms and security cards. All of these features are packaged in a funky form that is moulded in a range of vivid contemporary colours.”

Thinking I might get myself one. Don’t know why I need a waterproof wallet, but it is funky. And I can get a ginna one too.

Ayyyyyyy ohhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhh ayyyyyyyy

Went to see Hard-Fi at the Prince of Wales Bandroom in St Kilda last week. I have to say it was one of the best concerts I’ve been to in the last few years. They certainly know how to entertain the crowd – got some good stage presence. F**king good band. And guess what? I was about 2 metres from the stage, very, very close. My ears were ringing afterwards for 2 days, that’ll f**king teach me…

They played a good mixture of tracks from the first album “Stars of CCTV” and the latest one, “Once Upon a Time in the West”. There were a few crowd pleaser songs in there – ‘Hard to Beat’; ‘Television’; ‘Living for the Weekend’ – which definitely got the crowd jumping. Including me for a change. I never seem to relax at concerts and jump around and have a right jolly old time. Usually I can’t as I’m too busy watching for arseholes, neds and junkies around me or the people I’m with. This time however, I cared not a jot. Don’t know why it was different. Was it because I wasn’t with anyone and so wasn’t constantly watching out for people? Dunno.

I really did enjoy myself though. Felt as if I was sharing something with my Australian audience members, I think I’m starting to feel that I’m settling in here. Doing things that I would do normally back in the UK.

Not sure who the next band will be. I did notice that Groove Armada and Jose Gonzales are playing at some festival at the end of the year. And Rufus Wainwright is playing Jan/Feb next year.

Now, here’s a thing. What is it about people who pay good money – $50+, to go see a concert and do one of the following things:

• Get so pissed, hear the first song and slump away during the second one, never to be seen again.
• Stand and text their friends all night.

What the f**k is all that about?

One for Wednesday …

I’ve been meaning to tell this joke for a couple of weeks now. This was told to me by an American colleague, I thought it was quite funny.

What’s the difference between beer nuts and dear nuts?
One is a a dollar ninety, the other is under a buck*.

Thank you, thank you. I’m here ’til Friday.

*Don’t get it? Ok, a buck is an American term for a stag – a male deer. Deer nuts… under a buck … ah forget it.

“Aren’t you a little fat to be a stormtrooper?”

I watched the Star Wars episode of the new Family Guy series – Season 6, the other day. Not sure if I was tired or wasn’t in the right mood, because I didn’t think it was all that funny. I saw a bootleg video on YouTube a couple of months ago and I think it contained all the funny bits as the rest of it was pretty average. Don’t get me wrong, there were some funny lines and some clever observations of the Star Wars Trilogy like the Imperials discussing the exhaust port on the Death Star and that it would be too costly to fix or the planet Hoth should be called “Coldth”. The following is one of the better scenes:

Peter (Han Solo): [about the Millenium Falcon] Well, what do you think?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): What a piece of junk!
Peter (Han Solo): Thank you this was my brother’s, he died of leukemia. How do you feel now?

For every funny scene there was a number of unfunny ones and in typical Family Guy fashion, that scene would go on forever or the joke would be repeated. Anyways, I might give it another watch, perhaps with a few beers. Not as funny as Robot Chicken – Star Wars.

Apparently there’s talk of parodying The Empire Strikes Back next year, and probably Return of the Jedi after that. I’m sure the brother/sister/incest jokes will come thick and fast…

I love this poster.